Jesus knelt in the garden and prayed, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.” (Mt 26:39) May I confess to you that I am challenged by this prayer? I pray something like that sometimes, but I may not really mean what I am saying. It slides too easily off my tongue, “Your kingdom come, Your will be done.” When Jesus was in that garden surrendering to God’s will, He was in agonizing prayer and His sweat was like blood.
Much prayer and soul searching has left me with the realization that much of my time has been spent saying in intent, “God, I want what You want as long as it lines up with what I want. God, I want more of You unless it means You will choose an assignment for me that is not what I would choose. God, I want to dream with You as long as Your dreams don’t lead to suffering. God, I want the You I have pretended You are.”
When I look back over my life, I realize that the very places that I went deeper were the times when I just surrendered to God. These have been moments when I stood at crossroads, took off the rose-colored glasses that made my plans looks so appealing, and chose to bend my will to the greater purpose of His until it buckled under His weight. He doesn’t always ask me for the hard thing. Sometimes, it is easy to do what He shows me because it doesn’t really stand in opposition to what I wanted anyway. But to be honest, sometimes the choice seems to tear my heart. Sometimes obedience has a high price.
So why choose to walk close to a God like that, One Who expects me to prove my love with obedience? Because the reward is more of Him, and He is worth more than anything else I have ever known. Because He is a Consuming Fire and I have been close enough to Him that I am marked by His flames. Because I really do want more of Him, the real God Who speaks life and light, and Whose voice shakes the pillars of heaven and strips bare forests, instead of an idol who is a weak, distant deity that changes his mind as often as men do.
The Lord IS my Shepherd, and I have found throughout my life as a Christian that I can trust Him. His paths are good paths, even when they are not easy. He always has His eyes on me for good. He loves me, even when I find it difficult to love myself. I choose the path of surrender again. Lord, I want what You want.
